musings

January 3, 2018

Did you wake up New Year’s Day and discover that your Facebook feed was full of people making resolutions, setting goals, and generally setting their 2018 up for failure BC (Before their first cup of Coffee?) Are you feeling the pressure to set yourself some worthy self-improvement goals?

Feel free to say No to that.

Why not start your year invoking pleasure? Why not be good to yourself by inviting into your life the things you want more of, things that feel authentically good to you?

“But Tracy”, you say, “I want to lose 10 pounds. When I lose 10 pounds I’m going to feel great in my body. Why is that so bad?”

So glad you asked.

It’s great that you want to feel good in your body – I’m a fan of that, that’s the whole reason for the work I do. My issue with resolving to lose 10 pounds is that the resolution keeps your focus on the “I have ten pounds of fat to lose’ part instead of the ‘I want to feel good in my body’ part. And walking around chewing on celery sticks, hyper-aware of those 10 p...

November 27, 2017

Last night in the Snuggle Salon I was blessed with a fabulous embodied experience of how empowering it is to allow oneself to receive. It was a delicious opportunity to be in the moment, with my own desire, without having to consider relationship or reciprocity.

I was offered a foot massage, and all I had to do was say yes or no. I said yes. I didn’t ask myself if they really wanted to give me a foot massage, THEY OFFERED. I didn’t have to pay, or wonder if I was letting it go on too long, or think about their turn. I only had to say yes, and then receive the gift I was offered. They gave, I received, and it was heavenly.

Someone asked for a back rub. I was into that, so I offered them one. They got comfy, and I gave the best back massage I knew how, giving them all the pressure they wanted, (it was a lot!) until my arms were tired and I had to stop. I know they enjoyed it- I felt the relaxation in their body, and I heard their sighs and their thank yous. A gift well given and well recei...

November 22, 2017

I’ll admit it, I’m a positive thinker. I tend to see the brighter side of things.  Most of the time, I’m looking for what’s going well rather than what’s going wrong.

I’ve been practicing positive thinking for a long time. I’ve been rewiring my brain to overcome my natural, human negative bias so that I am more sensitive to positive and pleasurable circumstances and less to negative ones.

So when I ran across a list of positive affirmations to encourage body self-love recently, I was excited. Who doesn’t want to feel more sexy and alive? I have 5 minutes a day to feel good in my body.

But then I read them, and some of them made me, fluffy-bunny-rainbow-unicorn-fairy girl, cringe. Because affirmations only work if you believe them. If I’m not feeling sexy in my body, saying “I am a sexy beast” does not make me feel sexy. It makes me feel like crap.

Rather than trying to fake it till you make it, start right where you are. If you wake up feeling fabulous in your body, then “I feel sexy and a...

July 30, 2017

Our deepest desire as human beings is connection, not only with our expanded selves, but with something greater than ourselves. I would define spirituality as a profound awareness of and deep relationship with our core selves and a connection to all that we are, and I would define a spiritual practice as one that supports this longing for awareness and relationship with self.

Sex as a spiritual practice might possibly be the most accessible way to reconnect to this deepest, most ancient part of ourselves. During a healthy sexual experience, the world falls away, thought is suspended, and pleasurable energy connects body, heart and spirit. We feel most alive when we are aware of the creative, generative, life-force energy flowing through us.

When we recognize that our bodies and our sexuality are sacred, when we learn to trust pleasure in our bodies and reclaim our innocent joy in sensory experiences, when we get over the idea that sex is sinful or shameful, we can transform our lives.

We...

June 27, 2017

I was supposed to have coffee with a girlfriend yesterday. Someone I haven’t seen for some 20 years and have recently connected with on Facebook.

And I was excited. I knew her when we were stay-at-home moms, each with two preschoolers at home, and the bond we shared was built around parenting and family and the delight in having a grown up friend in the neighbourhood. This was an important friendship at a significant time in my life.

So when she texted to cancel, I was disappointed, but if I’m honest, a little part of me was relieved. And it wasn’t because I didn’t want to see her and her husband and her sons and their partners – I did. I wanted to see her smile and hear about her life and see her boys grown into men.

It was about me feeling inadequate. What would she/they think about me? I was hoping for a good hair day but there’s nothing to be done about the increased size of my jeans. Most days I look in the mirror and smile and send myself love and feel so good in my big curvy body,...

May 12, 2017

In May 1995, Good Vibrations sex shop declared Masturbation Month in response to the forced resignation of US Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders after she publicly declared, “As per your specific question in regard to masturbation, I think that it is something that is a part of human sexuality and it's a part of something that perhaps should be taught.”

If I were a more political beast, I’d tell you that’s why I self-pleasure with fervor all year round. I mean, if the surgeon general is saying that it’s good for us, who am I to argue?

But the truth is, I just like it.

There’s a story floating around that says ‘self-service’ is not as good as real, proper, i.e. partnered sex, and indeed those who indulge are weak, unattractive or somehow inadequate.

But studies in the US show that masturbation is more prevalent in the highly educated and that those who are most sexually satisfied regularly imbibe. A quick Google Search will net you dozens of scientifically-supported reasons why self-pleasuring...

April 28, 2017

Recently I visited my two youngest grandchildren, who are 3 years old and 6 months old. We mixed it up pretty good and there was lots going on- potty training and wild games of ball and hours of play dough creations and lots of snuggling and rocking, silly faces and singing. 

It was a delight to be with them, they are both so full of the joy of being alive and exploring their personal worlds with unbridled curiosity. I was struck again and again by the utter shamelessness of their desires. Need food? Just cry (6 month old) or lift shirt, point to belly and say “hungry” (3 year old). Either way, food will appear. If it’s not fast enough, you can ask again, louder this time. “I want it!” You need food, you just ask.

The 3 year old has desires bigger than he is. He wants to climb this thing, read this book 7 times in a row, sit on every rock in the neighbour’s garden, many more treats, and a long turn on the PlayStation all at once, please, and he has no shame in asking for whatever he want...

March 27, 2017

“Let your body do more thinking and your mind do more dancing.”  ~ Chungliang “Al” Huang

This. This is what I want for you. “Let your body do more thinking.” Yes! I want you to feel good in your body, to listen to its wisdom. This magnificent animal body you live it is how you come to know the world. This body is your home- your soul, your essence, everything that enlivens you makes its home in your body. Your wise body.

Your body knows. The anxious butterflies twirling in your belly that signal nervousness. The red hot colour flooding your cheeks with embarrassment.  That angry tightness growling in your belly. The velvety swell of joy filling your heart. Your body knows.

Listen, listen. Is your neck aching? Ask it to share, ask it why it is sore, tell it you are here to help.

And then listen. Notice thoughts and images dancing through your mind as you listen. You may hear a story of long-held pain or fear or sadness. Listen, listen. Be with the sadness or the fear, wait with it, cradle i...

January 16, 2017

Forget Maslow’s hierarchy, for our long term well-being, touch is as important as food and security. Today’s scientific neuroscientific research is proving that touch is fundamental to the human experience, and that a lack of touch can make us feel lonely, depressed, ill, and even angry at the world.

Science is proving what we already know, that basic warm touch can instantly help us feel closer, calmer and more understood. Loving touch stimulates the reward centres in the brain, triggering the release of oxytocin (the love hormone) leaving us feeling happier, safer and more confident.

Just 20 seconds of caring touch can reduce social anxiety, lower the levels of cortisol (a stress hormone) and make us feel more optimistic and connected. Touch can even have economic effects, promoting trust, generosity and cooperation.

Unfortunately, in our hectic and increasingly isolated society, where extended families are separated by distance and schools and office buildings have strict no-touch poli...

January 9, 2017

So often, I meet a potential client who tells me they want to learn to be a better lover. They want to sign up to learn the tips, tricks and techniques that will give their partners multiple exploding ejaculating mind-blowing orgasms. They think the way to everlasting happiness is selfless giving in the bedroom.

And when I tell them the best way to learn how to give pleasurable touch is to learn how to receive it, they don’t believe me. “No, no!” they tell me. “I’m not selfish. Selfish is bad. It’s all about them. It’s better to give than to receive”.

Hogwash! You can’t give pleasure until you know what pleasure really is. Do you know pleasure? Can you admit that you desire pleasure?

Desire. Such a dirty word. Shame on you for wanting, especially wanting pleasure for yourself.

Excuse me? Why shouldn’t we want pleasure? No one wants anything in this world for any reason except that they think they will feel better for having it. A better job, a lover, a cup of coffee and a cheeseburger, war...

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4043 Carling Avenue

Kanata, ON

 

tracy montgomery

somatic sex educator

©2020 tracy montgomery

 

Tel: 613-413-1216

tracy@tracymontgomery.ca

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